Ruthie Kelly’s Portfolio

Dating for the sake of dating is a quick and easy way to drive yourself certifiably insane.

For some reason - especially in college - there’s an immense amount of social pressure on a person to have a boyfriend or girlfriend as soon as possible, and those who don’t risk being viewed as outcasts. It’s almost as if being in a relationship is a prerequisite to being accepted.

This totally confuses me because in most cases I’ve observed, the hopeful stance that everyone has at the beginning of a relationship is replaced by bitterness, depression and some loss of self-esteem - not to mention the blow to one’s wallet. And it happens not just once, but repeatedly.

I don’t understand why people would willingly put themselves through the same cycle over and over again.

The vicious circle usually begins with concerns about money and pressure to look absolutely perfect - regardless of the fact that no one actually is. It’s like a MasterCard commercial - makeup: $40; hair straightened: $20; vanilla body spray: $10. Seeing the look on his face when you open the door: Priceless. Unfortunately, makeup and Axe body spray can’t buy happiness or a quality significant other.

A majority of guys will pay on the first date, usually in an attempt to live up to the standard they believe society sets for them. But how does this affect their expectations and those of their dates? The guy may spend all his money on her, trying to impress and get a second chance.

But what if she just doesn’t feel it? What does she do?

If she’s a compassionate person, she doesn’t want to blow him off or hurt him. On the other hand, she doesn’t want to lead him on and isn’t willing to pretend to like him just to spare his feelings. Meanwhile, the guy is expecting to get a return on his investment - even if it’s something as innocent as a kiss. Both parties have expectations; the problem is if their particular interests clash.

There really is no definitive solution to this dilemma. Either way, someone’s going to be hurt, do something they really don’t want to do or both. This awkward situation occurs all too frequently, and both the guy and the girl end up losing.
Part of the problem is everyone is so intent on finding a significant other that they stop caring about the qualities of the people they’re dating. Many will date and break up because they “found out” something unsavory about their partner, which should occur before the date, not after.

Dates shouldn’t occur spontaneously. It’s better to be friends, or at least friendly acquaintances before dating because you’re more likely to feel at ease with that person. It’s more likely to develop into something long-term and worthwhile if you actually like each other from the beginning.

Even so, the real root of the issue is the mistaken belief that dating is mandatory for a young person. I’m not saying don’t date - I’m saying you don’t need to date. It shouldn’t be something you feel you must do; a girlfriend or boyfriend is something you can live without. An ideal relationship should be the natural progression of a friendship, not something that springs out of an impulse or desire for acceptance. Instead, the focus should be improving one’s own sense of self-worth and developing an individual personality.

You need to be happy and satisfied with yourself before you can expect someone else to be happy and satisfied with you. That kind of self-confidence - when you’re completely satisfied with the person you are - is the most attractive thing in the world.
It’s OK not to have a significant other at this point in your life. Don’t sacrifice your money and your sense of self to get a date. Neither the social pressure nor the need for affection is worth betraying your identity. Even if you do manage to find yourself a girlfriend or boyfriend, that does not equate to being fulfilled.

Don’t search for fulfillment from others instead of trying to find it in yourself first.

This column is no longer available on The Daily Aztec online. It is also the first column I ever wrote, fresh into college, having turned 18 about 1 month before, so please keep that in mind.